I've Been Looking for Destiny

It is amazing how much influence Social Media has on our relationships today. I remember when dating was picking up the phone and calling each other. Now I was faced with losing the person I loved most because of Facebook. Social Media has made people today crazy in believing everything they see or read about the lives of people they know. The public appearance of relationships has never been so important in our lives until now thanks to Social Media. I am definitely at fault to expressing my feelings to the virtual world at times of weakness, but does it help to portray our perfect lives everyday to everyone? Probably not.

 Everyone today is so worried about everyone else that they lose sight on something or someone that is worth fighting through all the bullshit for or for the things in life that are normal, like actually seeing each other to hold your relationships and friendships together and not relying on Facebook, Twitter, or any social media sites for that matter. Easter weekend I chose to believe what Facebook portrayed to me and walked away, with out any room for explanation, or reconciliation in the future. That moment of letting go was hard for me to do, but didn't hurt as bad as the first time. I knew that I gave it what I could, and I was happy with my efforts in trying to save us. But the end result lead to a separated path. Reflecting on the opportunities that were before me. I wanted to leave town and move finally.

 I began pursuing career opportunities everywhere, along with working a lot of promotions, and spending time with friends and running with Girls on the Run after school charity program. A few weeks later while I was out working one night I met a group of people from out of town. They were temporarily living in Nashville for work. After work that night my friends and I met up  to hang out with them. I had such a great time that I decided it wouldn't hurt to get to know one of the guys I met that night. He made me laugh and brought simple happy emotions to my life at that point in time. The chemistry that we had immediately was amazing. The following week he left to go home to visit family, I ran into Trae and Christian after working a promo.

 It had been a little over a month since we had seen each other last. I immediately became very emotional, it was so good to see Christian, but words were said between Trae and I that were not nice. I met Christian a few days later for dinner to catch up. We talked about my job opportunities, my new dating interest and of course my relationship with Trae. That was the last subject I wanted to talk about but it was something he knew all to well. He made some great points that night to me that would later help me. 

After a week or so I began bringing Tristan around friends and we began dating, everyone really liked how laid back and easy going he was. He was quite a trooper and as sweet as he could be to me. We did a lot of things during the month of May, from Predators playoff games to many nights in Nashville with friends.  I took him and his friends to see Chris Nathan play one night and when the song "Girl By the Window"  began it shined a light on these lyrics that I love...."I've been looking for destiny, so won't you come rescue me?" I was definitely in need of rescuing. I believed that I had found a simple happiness with Tristan, but was facing the uncertainty of how long the relationship would actually last, knowing he was here in Nashville til the end of the year. I still took that risk,  because I had nothing to lose. 

We planned on going to Indianapolis for Memorial Day weekend and the Indy 500.  I had also been interviewing for jobs in the Nashville area and a few were very promising. We hit the road to Indy for the weekend. It was so much fun, one of best weekends I've had up there. Everyone was very fond of Tristan and I. It was a crazy weekend of no sleep once again. He met a lot of acquaintances through me that weekend and with little to my knowledge would carry over once we were back in Nashville. Its so funny how nice you can be to people and when you turn your back for the slightest moment they can stick a knife in it so fast. 

When I got home to Nashville it was a short week of work and on that Friday June 1, I was offered a job I was wanting so bad! I couldn't believe it. It was a job I had been wanting for a while, one that involved travel, and sales. I immediately put in my 2 weeks at Meiko and began counting down the days. I was so excited. That same weekend I received an unexpected text from Trae that would turn everything in my world upside down. 

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Spirit of Christmas

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. -Calvin Coolidge

After having a wonderful Thanksgiving with family it really set the mood for December. I had the Spirit of Christmas burning through me. It was going to be a busy month! I was working so many promos, and having holiday cocktails with friends. I loved every bit of it! I think its because I didn't enjoy those moments as much the year before until it was almost to late. Not this year, I wan't going to let my favorite time of giving pass me by. I couldn't wait to put up our Christmas tree, hang our stockings, and decorate our house with lights outside. I even planned a Christmas party for my girls. Shopping for them, cooking for them, everything was so fun! It was a little difficult picking the date for the party but we all managed to find a night.

The scent of cinnamon apples and the exchange of candles and laughter, filled my living room over wine and hors d'oeuvres. Chris played a private acoustic session for us. We even skyped with Jennifer who wasn't able to be there because she was in Cali. It was a great night. I was so happy how it turned out. That following weekend I went to Indy for Christmas with Rachel since she was in Nashville for Thanksgiving. We open gifts, went out on the town. It was nothing too crazy, just simple time together. On the last day I was there we had tickets to the Titans vs Colts game. It was my first time at Lucas Oil Stadium. I was definitely impressed in the facility. The game was somewhat of a shocker though. It didn't quite turn out how everyone anticipated it to. That season the Titan's were a little rocky, but the Colts oh my, they were terrible, because they lost Peyton Manning to an injury. Something happened in this game though.

The Colts ended up winning their first game all season! That blue and white confetti had waited months to be released from its holding place. Kinda, ironic how that happened. When I made it home, it was only a week and half until Christmas. I had the MillerCoors Mistletoe party with my SPEAKeasy ladies that week. Lina and I entertained ourselves all night in the photo booth. Trae came for the free beer and then we went Honky Tonkin after I was released.  It was such a merry time with my girls. I still had shopping to do for family and Trae. I was starting to stress over his present. I knew he wanted a guitar, but geez they were so expensive. Then one day at work I finally found one online, I was so excited. It was perfect. There were many more celebrations that week. It was Tiffany's birthday, Jennifer and Josh were in town for Christmas, we all got together for drinks and catching up. It truly felt like Christmas. I was so blessed. Trae and I had points that holiday season that we didn't know if we were going to continue working on things.
We both had moments and people that we still connected with, I had thoughts that maybe this wasn't right, that maybe there was someone else that was better for me out there, and I just wasn't giving myself the opportunity to explore those feelings.
 I tried many times before but,  he was always the one person that my feelings stayed constant for. The one my heart raced for. We had decided after everything we were trying to do, that we owed it to ourselves to go somewhere just the two of us for New Years. Years before that we always spent this night in the company of friends. But this was different. After the exchanging of presents and time with the family. A few days later we packed the car and headed to the NOLA! It was going to be my first time there, and I couldn't wait to walk down Bourbon Street!
.:XOXO TMARIE:.

A Rekindled Fall

Oddly enough as the seasons were beginning to change so was I. I felt the nervousness on a night that started out so ordinary with my sister and some glasses of wine, but it turned out not so ordinary for me.  I decided to go see The Cold Stares play in East Nashville in a little place called the 5 Spot. Since I hadn't been to a show in awhile because the last one I was at I ran into Trae. It was a little heartache that I didn't want to feel, so I kindly avoided it. But this night after a few glasses of wine, I said "what the hell, I like their music, I can't keep running from the things I like because of the chance I might see him." This is was I was saying aloud, but my heart was anxiously waiting for him to walk through that door that night. I waited, and waited to lay my eyes upon him, but as song after song played I was slowly feeling the knots begin to turn at the disappointment that I wasn't going to see him that night. So I took a risk, and I texted him the lyrics to song that would always remind him and I of each other. And to my surprise he responded. I was in shock. I hadn't spoke to him in so long, and my stomach turned from knots to butterflies almost instantly. I was so delighted I didn't know what to say back other than "I thought I might see you tonight, but then I was disappointed to not see you at their show." He had told me that he didn't feel well and decided to stay home.
I then felt so daring in the moment and said "well I still would like to see you, if you want to?" I was expecting nothing in return but a NO... but to my relief he said "sure you can come over" My skin flushed the moment I read his text and I was so uncertain of the feelings that would open like a can of worms, but I was so excited, my heart felt like it was beating out of chest. I didn't want to waste another minute sitting there texting, so Britt and I headed straight home for me to get a few things for the next day. As I pulled up to his house for the first time in months, I couldn't help but feel some what saddened that this use to be my home. The rush of excitement and the butterflies took over because I never thought I would be here again. But there I was standing at the door, waiting for him to open it. It was then that awkward moment of uncertainty on how say hello. Do I give him hug? Do I kiss him? That which would have been my natural reaction, but what was I to do?
 Just hours before, the thought never crossed my mind that I would be walking across this threshold tonight staring at the only person that I knew I truly loved. It was an exhilarating embrace that I received from him once we uttered the words "hi" We stayed up and talked for an hour or so. I was so happy to be there, and in that moment of catching up the last few months of our life, I didnt want to go to sleep. I wanted to sit and talk for hours, to hear his voice, his laugh, and to see him smile at me, all the things I had missed for months. He was right though, and I was tired. As we laid down, I felt the warmth of his arms wrap around me like a blanket on cold night and I knew in that moment this was were I was supposed to be. But how do I hold on to this, was this the right time? Had it been long enough to deal with the past, and enlighten the thoughts of our future? Were we ready for this? Why did he agree to see me tonight? All of these thoughts consumed my mind that night and it was so hard to sleep, even in the comfort of his presence, what happens now? Only time would tell, and we took things slowly at first, small dates here and there. I began living in a land of confusion. I enjoyed every moment with him, but with so much doubt and both of us with walls so high it was hard to break down the barriers that kept us apart.
 Music had always been my way releasing feelings when I was alone, I always seemed to find songs that related to how I was feeling in times like these, whether them happy or sad, and during this time Adele's new CD 21 had so many songs that I was relating to. It was Fall my favorite season of the year, and we decided to try some new things. He took me for a day out at Radnor Lake with the dogs, then we did a brunch that afternoon at Loveless Cafe, two things at which we had never done together before. Then another day spent at Arrington Vineyards was sure to set my heart soaring. I didn't care about a thing in the world, I was happy. I had him, and we were on the right path. Leaves began to fall and the weather turned colder. Not only was it Fall, it  was also Football season. I really got into college football this year for the first time.

 One of my best friends, Heather, was good friends with some of the Vanderbilt Football coaches and she has always been a Vandy fan, so it was our weekly girls thing to go the home games that season. We had so much fun, and I was actually converted to a Vanderbilt fan. We even drove down to the Alabama game and stayed with my friend Michelle for the game there. I had never experienced a real SEC game until that one, when I walked into Bryant- Denny Stadium for the first time. The Red and White and the roar of the Roll Tide was overwhelming. Michelle had showed us such and amazing time. I really enjoyed the memories made there that weekend and all the ones made during the season with Heather and my sister. We really bonded, maybe it was the Tomboy in the both of us, but we somehow connected more than we ever had before during those months.
Halloween was soon creeping up on us. I was super excited to carve pumpkins and get dressed up for night out on the town! And that's exactly what we did. Surely enough Trae showed up on my door step as Darius Rucker, LOL his alter Ego and that's why I love him. I was a bit more extravagant with a nice sexy vamp thing going on, we went to Chris Nathan's birthday party for a little while then met up with some other friends that we had planned that night. As things started out good, they ended so poorly. At that point in our life there was so much uncertainty in where we stood with each other. Sure we had love for each other that was undeniable, but we had messed things up so badly before that there were feelings that continued to pull us down.

That night I let those feelings out, because there was no clarity to how things were between us. Were we together? NO, we were just working on things, we hadn't committed ourselves back together. Which is why this Adele song "I'll Be Waiting" hit home so hard to me. I'm sure I sang this song so loud in my car multiple times just like a nerd. But I couldn't help it. It screamed some of the feelings I had been experiencing at that point in time. I was waiting, waiting on him....or was I waiting on myself? I didn't know, everything was so cloudy to me. The only choice I had was to take it one day at a time, and hope for the best. He had my every priority, but I wasn't sure if that was being reciprocated and I would eventually find out. The Holidays were approaching us fast, it was soon time to give thanks for all the things we had in our lives and I was sure I had a lot to be thankful for.
.:XOXO TMARIE:.

.:Spring Fever:.

Well now that things slowed down for a week or two, I was able to plan my next moves. Between my travels and the "Dr.'s" travels it was hard to get time together but we made it work as much as we could. He was sparking an interest in my eye, and keeping my attention. Dinner dates, and late nights cuddled on the couch watching TV, reading our books and listening to his inner DJ were awesome building blocks to a new relationship. This was something I wasn't quite sure that I wanted just yet; but I didn't let the uncertainty keep me from the possibilities of having an interest in someone new. From my past, the things I had endured in previous months, I had came to the realization that it was time to move on with my life. Ironically, just as how it should be Trae text me. He said that I had received some mail at his house.

He knew it was my check from Sofft so he wanted to meet to deliver it to me. I decided that it was OK. We hadn't seen each other since November, so its no surprise I was a little weary and nervous. Our meeting place was on mutual grounds at Melrose pub for lunch on a blissful warm spring Sunday. I had driven by the place several times since it was close to home, but never stopped in. When I walked in, there he was, sitting at the table facing the door waiting for me to come in. He had on his leather motorcycle jacket and his helmet resting on the table next to him. Even with his bad boy style, his sweet smile still made my heart melt. Then I had to speak.

It was a simple "hello, how have you been?" you know the classic awkward sentence that everyone can relate to and I was no different. It was a nice short lunch, catching up and just talking about plans in the near future. Oddly enough when I left I had to remember the things that tore us apart. The things that I hadn't forgiven him for just yet and it reminded me of how far I had come the last few months, and why it was best to accept things the way they were and keep moving forward not looking back. That same night, my soon to be roommate Chris Nathan had a show at Bluebar.  It was the first time my parents were to meet him and my sister to see him play.

Things ended up not working out with Erin as a new roommate so I posted in a last minute need for someone to move in on Facebook and Chris was the first to respond. I actually didn't mind the fact that we were going to have a guy roomie. I actually felt a little safer with that. My parents seemed to give the approval after that night. And things were finalized for the move at the end of  March. I remember the week before I left for Vegas and LA, I saw the "Dr." a few times....was he really beginning to be on my mind frequently? Was I honestly ready for this? Or maybe I was getting Spring Fever?? Well, as I was packing for my vacation I was consumed with all the questions filling my mind of him....not to mention the decisions on what to pack for my trip.

It was tricky trying to get everything in one bag I was definitely was going to need a miracle. Although I found my solution for over packing, I wasn't able to come up with the answers my conscious was seeking about my new interest the "Dr." The next thing I knew it was time to board the jet plane headed west for the week. I was so ready and so excited to see Rachel and Michelle and everyone from the Playboy Golf family in a few days. As I flew off into the sunset, I remember dosing off and thinking to myself that I was going to miss him this week. I touched down in the "City of Sin" so exhausted from the 4hour flight.

The only thing that was on my mind was food and sleep. I had a busy next day. I decided to have dinner with my friend who was in town as well. We ate at this yummy place in Caesar's Palace called MESA Grill, brought to you by famous chef Bobby Flay. Dinner was absolutely exquisite. I remember I had the New Mexican Spice Rubbed Pork Tenderloin, one of the original classic entrees. The dish was prepared with Bourbon- Ancho Chile sauce, a sweet potato tamale and crushed pecan butter, that just melted in your mouth. The blend of flavors and spices were just amazing. After a full belly it was time for sleep. We had and early day. I wanted to go to see Hover Dam. Of all the times I have been to Vegas I never really enjoyed the tourist sight seeing and tomorrow promised a beautiful day for the ride out to Hoover.

The next morning I woke up nice and early refreshed from the long flight the night before. I got in touch with some local friends to see what the plans were for the evening and I got ready for the day and  headed off to meet my friend for brunch. It was good to reconnect with friends and catch up. I was enjoying my stay so far. Brunch was fun, and hilarious with all the food I could put down. But dessert was the best part! They had all of these little mini desserts, and it was so hard to stop with just one! After brunch we headed to get the car for the ride out to Hoover. It was such amazing weather for the day and I was excited!!

.:XOXO TMARIE:.