Those to be Thankful For

It was now November the month to give thanks for all the things that you had in your life. I had started working promotions again this month with SPEAKeasy. I was making new friends and growing older friendships that needing a little watering. The new girls I worked with were something of a breath of fresh air. They looked up to me, but I looked up to them for the accomplishments they had in there life as well. Lina for instance, she is the kindest soul I've met in a long time. So naturally beautiful, her personality shines with a sense of innocence to the way people can be in this world and I love that about her. She is always so sweet and never feels a sense of entitlement to anything. She just has this amazing free spirit, and a beautiful daughter as her mini side kick. I am so happy to have them both in my life. Its like having someone always there to remind you that no matter what you have been through, that you can do anything and still be as kind-hearted to the people around you. 

Then there's Tiffany, T-Squared is what we like to call ourselves. LOL its always an on going joke when we worked together when people ask us our names. They never believe us or they blurt out T-Squared! Well anyways, I've known Tiffany for a long time, we had always remained friends, but it wasn't until this recent 2 years that we became closer as friends. We had moved close to each other in Brentwood when I moved out of Trae's. She was there those nights that I just didn't want to go out but needed a friend and a glass of wine to talk. I was happy to have made such a good friend out of an acquaintanceship from previous years. I remember meeting her when she was just in high school, we still look back and laugh about those days and how crazy it was that we ended up where we are today and how our circle of friends connected. It was truly a blessing meeting her.

 I somehow think that we were supposed to be close friends all along, it was just a matter of our paths in life colliding at the right times. Now that they finally had, I know I would always have this beautiful soul to count on. Peyton and I had been friends since high school, we grew so much closer those long summer months. He was always there for me, a place to workout frustrations in the gym, or lay out by the pool where he could scope out the ladies. Either way we were like Bonnie and Clyde that summer. As November rolled around, we celebrated our Thanks with a night of Charity for his organization the Phoenix Club. Rachel came down from Indy for our "Twinky Thanksgiving" we enjoyed the Taste of Nashville event then headed downtown to do a little "honky-tonkin." 

Of all the times she had been here, we never once went down to Broadway. I usually steered clear of that area because of Trae, but now I loved to go because of Trae. He took me a few nights that Fall and I truly enjoyed it. Maybe it was just I was so tired of seeing the same people all the time, but this became fun to me, and working promos down there helped me know what nights to go. I was so thankful to have such strong relationships with these people because, Trae and I were doing alright at this point but it wasn't anywhere near the way I wanted it.

 He was still having doubts about me, and I about him. We were constantly battling the fact of trusting each other. There were so many reasons for us not to trust each other. But to trust in the love we had for each other was something we didn't quite understand, and with all the doubt I was experiencing with him, to have these people there and my SPEAKeasy team of girls, it kept my mind and heart sane. Thanksgiving day I found myself boarding the plane to Pennsylvania for my first Thanksgiving as a complete family. 

There were so many thoughts running through my mind about how this was going to go. We as long as I can remember hadn't been all together in a long time. There were always family matters that prevented us from being together as a family. I honestly wasn't too excited about going. All of the preconceived thoughts that kept us apart for so long scared me a little. But I went for my Dad. It meant the world to him to have all of his girls together and grand-kids. I chose to fly alone to PA to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what could happen while I was there.

 But once I landed in Philly and on my layover I sat with a glass of wine in the airport and realized that everyone was waiting on me. That they were all together, happy in each others company. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all. I picked up a little airplane for Rowan because he was going to be there to greet me at the airport. I was so happy to see Laurie, Brett and Rowan. When we got to Nikki's house everyone was in such bright spirits. We were family, like we had been doing this for years. The food was amazing, the desserts even better. But it was great to see my nephews and sisters. This time that brought us all together was what we needed as a family. We even went black Friday shopping that night around Midnight. LOL Oh the crazies you see during that time was hilarious.

 It was cold, and we didn't want to stand in line so we sat in the car until the doors opened and made a mad dash for the entry way. HAHA, everyone was so pissed off but it was funny to us. The next day we spent taking family portraits, and Nikki and Matt took us to this awesome place to eat dinner called the Bube's Brewery that sat above catacombs in PA. It was such an amazing place. They couldn't have picked anywhere better. Later that night we met up with our cousins at a little bar in town. My parents dropped us off, and as the Brensinger's walked in we all sat and ordered drinks, catching up, singing, and laughing like we did as kids...

then a song starts playing "Forever Young" and as I sat my glass of wine down from taking a sip....I look up and my parents are walking in. It was such an appropriate song for the two of them. When they sat down to join us, they said, we drove around the parking lot and decided we weren't ready to go home. Haha, this is why I love my parents. They are such an inspiration on how a marriage should be. I want that best friend for life and I wanted it with Trae. It was just a matter of time for us to get back on that  level. After the long weekend celebrating, and giving thanks to a family once forgotten, now saved....

 I look back at how things were and so happy that we had this time to reconnect as siblings. These were some of things I found myself being thankful that Thanksgiving.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

~Vegas Thanksgiving~

That night as I packed my things to go over to Trae's I was excited to see the family soon. I was hopelessly wanting this to mend our relationship. This time away from everyone here. When I arrived to his house the night before we chilled and watched TV. It was an early morning for us, we were flying on Thanksgiving morning, bright and early.

This was my first time ever away from my family for the holiday so it was a bit different. We woke up close to the time we were supposed to leave. We barely made it on our flight. But at least we made it. Next stop was Salt Lake City for our layover. We made it there for our 3 hour layover, which we spent most of the time watching football in one of the pubs in the airport. Like I mentioned before this was one of my favorite things to do with him.

A sharing little bit of food, a little bit of beer, and a game of football to watch sounded like a perfect layover to me! It was good to see him smile. That was one of my favorite things about him and his laugh. We we finally landed in Vegas and we were starving! We needed to unpack for the weekend and I was ready for a shower and to get ready for dinner. I thought we had plans somewhere for dinner but these two didn't make a reservation thinking it would be easy to get in somewhere. Well that wasn't the case, and the only thing on their minds was poker. So they did a quick change and headed  down to the tables while I got ready. When I met them down in the casino, we tried to figure out what we wanted to do. I haven't been anywhere but home for Thanksgiving so I was bit lost other than I wanted, you know the usual feast. So we chose the Buffet, not thinking it would take the line long to move, well needless to say we were wrong.

We spent two long hours of our night waiting to eat!! This was crazy! It was time well spent though. We made friends with a mother and daughter who took this trip together every year. They were so sweet, two hours later our table for 3 became a table for 5. That's what Thanksgiving was about, making friends, giving, and sharing thanks for what we had in this world. It was a joyful dinner full of laughter and stories we shared with our new friends. Although I was finally happy to eat I wasn't feeling very well. So after dinner I went to the room to sleep and the guys played poker. I was ready for everyone else to get in town though. The next day I spent shopping with Trae, he let the girl at Sephora talk me into red lipstick, we bought wine for the evening in.

We decided there was no need to go out since it was just us two. Which was fine to me, I wanted the alone time with him. When everyone arrived the next day, it was a day of gambling. Blackjack, Poker, Sports book, slots...this family definitely loved to play and bet. After watching the games that evening in the Sports book, we couldn't decide what to do, so the plan was to take me to Old Town, where the original Las Vegas strip was. I was so excited, of all the times I had been to Vegas I hadn't gone down to see this. The lights, the people, the cold weather, bundled up next to Trae as we walked was an evening unforgettable.

We even sat and played dollar blackjack with the addicted.  After we left, Trae went back to the poker tables and Troy and I played blackjack, we bonded that night I think. As he was having problems with Julie, we could relate on opposite terms with our relationships. It was good talking with him. Learning things I never knew. Well the weekend was over and we were getting up the next morning to fly back home. I was sad to leave, because I would be going back home to my harsh reality. That this was maybe only just a dream a glimer of hope that this could bring back together. I was soon to find out it wasn't.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.



*Time for Thanks*

It was Halloween one of my favorite Holidays. Because of my sadness, I chose to keep it low key with my closest friends. We all dressed up and everyone came over to hang out for a little bit before going south to Cool Springs for a little bar hopping. My costume was only appropriate for that time in my life. Lady Luck I was! So Lady Luck was what I dressed up to be.

It was a lot of fun that night but also a constant reminder of my new single life. Seeing my friends coupled up as I was standing alone was a little hard to take, but I was happy for all of them. I had my sister she was becoming my other half.

We definitely began to reconnect even closer as the days went on. The month of November came and went so fast like a shot of tequila on a cold night. I rebuilt my relationships with my girls, I was very thankful to have them in my life to help me in my moments of weakness. There were countless nights of sushi and wine, and simple girl talk dinners.

My regular stomping grounds were usually in the Gulch.

That month on a cold night, we celebrated the birthday of a great friend to me Ben. Jake & Ben were always so great to have around. They kept my spirits high, and I'm not only talking about my soul, but also the drug that helped me through this time.

They had been there from day 1 of Trae and I and saw the whole relationship through the end. His birthday was a night I was looking forward to. It was my turn to give him a cake, as he did for me for my 23rd Bday at LOT7. The joke between Jake and I was a transformers cake. So that's what I got. Dinner was at Urban Flats and then we chased shots around the Gulch and down to MAI. For some reason we decided it would be a good idea to walk all the way back to Urban Flats in 30 degree weather to make some food. If anyone knows me, I practically run when I walk. Well my sister wasn't quite as coordinated as I by the end of the night. As we walked by Sweet CeCe's, I was already across the street. I heard in the near distance "MAN DOWN"  and as Ben & I turn to see what Jake is laughing so hard about, was Brit popping right back up like nothing happened and taking her shoes off for the rest of the walk.

We were hysterically laughing, to the point of tears. This became the biggest inside joke between us all. If you ever go out with Jake - "Make sure your wear a helmet" Lmao Britt earned her nickname that night "Helmet". It was so much fun. I was truly happy that night. I was beginning to see the things I really needed in my life and the people I wanted to surround myself with. Friends that could help me forget my pain. I was so very thankful for my sister and my family who supported my decisions no matter how crazy they were, or how emotionally unhealthy they could've been. They wanted me to be happy. The next thing I knew, it was Thanksgiving and I was packing for my trip.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

.:My own two feet:.

Moving Day- one of the hardest days of my life as I recall. Where to begin....Well when the day started it was so unrealistic that this was happening. I thought to myself "am I dreaming..and if I am someone please wake me from this nightmare" I didnt want this to happen. I remember moving everything and unloading the  mutliple trips across town. He was kind enough to help with some of the move, because my Dad was unable to at the time. It was a long weekend.

I remember reaching out to Heather who was there to help me unload and unpack everything, it was a shopping extravaganza with a lot of wine involved. I couldn't believe I was getting back on my on two feet. I had a little help with a Playboy Golf Trip to Biloxi...lets just say it was enough winnings to buy a car! So that helped furnish my new apartment. I was very fortunate that I was a Lady Luck that weekend! My first weekend consisted of furniture shopping :) and I love to shop for home goods so that was fun for me.

It helped take my mind off of reality. Even with all my new things my place still felt empty. It was't home, and far from what I was used to. I missed the ruckus around our house. I missed the personality of our home. Things just werent the same. One of my first Saturday nights I stayed in and babysat my two little bundles of joy for Heidi. It was a slumber party. They could always make me smile. I spoiled the boys. Malachi and I stayed up late watching sports and eating pizza. It was so much fun. They filled my place with little bits of laughter. But once they left the next day, it was back to the cold, silent place of darkness. 

I tried making things work with Trae after moving out. We did this because he said he couldnt work things out with me living with him. Little did I know I was setting this up for disaster. The expectations between us were so high it was almost unreachable. There were countless nights of un-returned phone calls, disappointment, regret, and unconditional love, that made me sit and wait and let things like this happen to me.

Lying alone at night wondering if he was missing me as much as I missed him. I became really close with Julie, over this period of time. She knew Trae and Troy, almost better than I did. It was easy for us to relate to one another and help pull ourselves out of the troubles we faced with them. One bitter cold night I had plans with Trae and he let me down. I went out for drinks and ended up in huge fight at 2 am with him. This was the end of the road I thought. I took the dogs with me that night and thought my life was completely over with him. I was pissed that he had lied to me about what he was doing. It wasn't necessary, technically we weren't together and all I wanted was honesty. I didn't care if it hurt my feelings. I just wanted the truth. I guess the truth was he didn't want to hurt my feelings, he wanted space. We didn't speak for a few days.

Most of my nights last Fall consisted of overly drinking my sorrows away, and pretending I was happy, but my truth was I was utterly and completely miserable and dying on the inside. Then one day out of the blue we were talking again. We made plans for Thanksgiving with his family and still tried to work on things. I wasn't exactly ready for the Holidays coming around the corner though. It was the end of October, the weather was changing colder and so was I.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Screwing my Head on Straight

After Halloween, I faced the month of November battling with myself about someone who obviously didn't care about our relationship. Yes I am talking about J.J. I went day by day wondering if he was gona call, or stop by my apartment. I told myself I'm not going to be the one that holds our relationship together, so the effort is gona have to come from him if he wanted or deserved the last chance I gave him. I'm sure my friends got really tired of hearing about how I was so torn up about him, we all knew he wasn't worth a bit of my time. I mean he even worked with my sister, and she lived with me!! How could you not make an effort?!?! So I was having dinner with my girls on a regular basis, and going to my best guy friends house for advice. We always had the best talks, he always knew what to say and we would just sit around drink coffee over studying and voice our dreams and expectations of our lives past college. He could always get me back on track for what I wanted in life. I thank him dearly for that. So with my head screwed back on straight and on the fast track to graduate, I was ready to buckle down. I still went out to line dance on Weds with an occasional Thursday night at Jim's and Nashville on Saturdays. I was doing better in school, I made contact with Americasmart, and landed an interview on Jan 2, 2008...a great way to start off my new year with a new direction...Thanksgiving had passed, spending time with my family was definitely needed, I was feeling really good about myself, but one day would come that would take my happiness to another level!
.:XOXO TMarie:.