.:A Love Worth Fighting For:.

 Everything in my world was moving along smoothly. I just had an amazing weekend in Indy. One of my best friends got engaged. I was so happy for her! One of my closest friends was in town from California to celebrate Tiffany and Jesse's engagement. I was just offered this awesome new job/ career. I was super busy with CMA Fest week. And there it was a text message that stopped me in my tracks. You know, one of those kinda of text messages you only hope for, but never see. The kind that make you question everything no matter how good your life seems. That's what I received that next week. Questions began running through my mind like "Did we do everything we could?" "Do I Love him enough to go back?" "Am I really happy with who I am with now?' "Where does a future stand in my new beginning relationship?" "I gave it my second chance already....do I try again?"
I was so confused, but trying to stay focused at work for training the new employee that was replacing  me, and trying to think logically and not with my heart this time. I was a complete mess and not to mention I was beginning one of my busiest months of the year for promotions, CMA Fest, and starting a new job. I didn't need anymore decisions on my plate and I was pretty content with how things were with Tristan. So I entertained some of the text messages and stood my ground on the fact that we had already given it a second chance just a few months ago and it just wasn't working. As much as I knew deep down that I truly loved Trae it was hard for me to walk away from being happy, for the uncertainty of another failing attempt to salvage what it was that we had for so many years.
For a week I juggled the pros and cons and had lunches, dinners, even worked countless promotions with girlfriends and all the while trying to come to some decision. When the last day I was working for CMA Fest rolled around I worked like 12 hrs that day. I was dead tired and Trae was pushing for me to tell him something, anything for that matter,  that could give him closure or hope in a future for us.  I worked that day with Tiffany, she was kinda the rock to my sanity that week. We had lunch and just talked about everything that I was feeling at that moment. So that night I decided that I needed to see where Tristan's mind was with our relationship and when his answer didn't have much clarity I then took a step back and re-evaluated everything that I was thinking. Was I making the right decision? Little did I know that would be the last time I saw Tristan.
When the fireworks began that Sunday night it was a celebration for the locals that CMA Fest was over! I was so exhausted from such an emotional and busy week. I was looking forward to the following night Monday June 11, when Trae and  I would sit down face to face to talk about everything.  We agreed to have dinner at Crow's Nest. It was the first time I had seen him in about 2 months. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotions and questions. I wanted answers, not just to the questions I was feeling, but to the questions from everything that went wrong to begin with. Answers to why it took so long, and why now, why not 2 months prior. We sat at that restaurant for 4 hours, laughing, crying, reminiscing  it was something that we had never done before. It was a conversation open to anything and everything we wanted to know about each other, whether the past or the present. He was different. His heart was not as cold or locked away like it had always been.
I could feel the genuine love that he was pouring out to me and laying everything on the line for just another chance to make me sincerely happy.  I finally got some closure that night as well. Just sitting there across the table from him I could feel my heart pounding telling me what it needed.  When he walked me to my car after dinner and put his arms around me to hug me goodbye and kissed my forehead, tears came to my eyes. I loved him so much, I wanted this to happen for so long. I told him that I needed time to think about everything tonight. He told me to do what feels right in my heart. When I drove off, I knew what that answer was, but he didn't.

 The next morning when I got work I got a text from Trae that was a simple link to a YouTube video, I had my second recruit starting so I was training two ladies at that point for my last week at Meiko. So I stepped outside to listen to it and it was Jason Mraz, "I Won't Give Up" This made my heart melt, and brought tears to me eyes. The next day Trae and I had lunch together, and then Thursday night we had dinner together. I was inevitably in love with this man and I knew that I was. I never stopped loving him. So what do you do when everything you have ever wanted is standing right in front of you? I hope that you choose to do what I did and....Take a leap of Faith! That's a Love worth fighting for!! I love you Trae Patterson!



.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Blinded by Love

There was a lot of thinking still that needed to be done about the future that Trae and I had, if there even was one to think about. He was leaving the next weekend to go snowboarding in Cali for a week, and wasn't going to be home for Valentines day and I was kinda upset about it. I know it was selfish of me to want this after I just had an awesome vacation the weekend before. But I was supposed to go on the trip snowboarding, and work wouldn't let me off for the week. When Valentine's day rolled around, we talked on the phone, and my sister and I went to have dinner together.
But there were no flowers, or cards etc... It wasn't quite how I wanted the evening to go. I laid down to go to sleep that night, lonely and sad because I missed him.
Little did I know the whole day he had been trying to get home to see me before midnight. Around 11:30 pm he called me. I answered and he asked what I was doing....LOL I said "um laying in bed about to go to sleep...what you you doing?" He said ..."did you get the package that I had Zach drop off?" I said,  "No ...what package?" He said,  "I know its late but he just dropped it off for you and its on your porch will you go get it?"  I then got out of bed put on my robe and headed downstairs. When I got to the front door there he was!! I couldn't believe it, I was so incredibly happy that it brought tears to me eyes. He said, "I made it before the day was over...Happy Valentines day" After seeing posts on Facebook all day about flowers, candy, gifts, etc....I then realized it wasn't about all that. It was about being with the person you love. It was the best Valentines Day I've ever had. I couldn't believe he surprised me.
We were happy, the rest of the month there was no fighting etc... he bought a Harley while I was in Atlanta for work over the next weekend! I thought he was crazy for that...I even told him he should of been "ring shopping" while I was out town not "Harley Shopping" he just laughed and said that comes after the next toy... a boat....I said yeah right, if I am around long enough for that. But boys and their toys what can you expect.  I was happy for him and I couldn't wait to ride on the back of it myself. The following weekend we celebrated my Birthday with friends at Citizen. Then before you know it another month had passed. It was now March, I moved into my new place in Sylvan park.
 We had countless motorcycle rides, Sundays spent at my parents where taught me how to shoot my first handgun, I was really happy. I thought he was too. We were almost inseparable. I had asked my friend Amy if she could get me tickets to the Kings vs Predators game so I could surprise him with a date night. She was so awesome and hooked me up with seats on the glass.... He was so excited and couldn't believe how awesome the seats were and that they were behind the Kings bench.
 Everything was so blissful until social media took its toll on our relationship. One of the worst feelings ever is to know how much you love someone, and see that they may be happier with out you. Or not knowing the truth behind posts that people displayed along with things that were purposing hidden from you to be able to see. How do you feel about it, what do you say about it? I questioned everything up until that point if it was true, if the emotional connection that we had was true. I had already bought us tickets to the opening show at midnight for the Hunger Games. It was a movie that we had both been looking forward to after reading the books. I battled every single emotion that night before going to the movie, Heartache, Love, Anger, Sadness, Regret, Hope, Fear, Anxiety, Guilt, Anticipation, Excitement and the list goes on.
We talked, we argued, frustrated with each other about everything and if sincerely we were ready to move forward. But all with the fear of letting go once more. I didn't know what else to do but to go see the movie, because I knew there was no one else in the world I would rather be with at that moment.
But the next morning would make for a different outcome...The one where I faced my fears and walked away, giving him the space once more and moving on. I had done everything I thought I could possibly do to save what we had. It just wasn't enough at that point in time. When Easter weekend rolled around he left to go out of town and couldn't compromise plans to spend part of it with me, it pretty much closed the book on Trae and I. I knew from that point that there was no saving us. I needed to do what was best for me, for my happiness.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.