.:One and Only:.

The Change I had hoped for, I soon would find out was not the one that I got this January. As we started the new year fresh, we still brought things from before along through the mud. After New Years, I made it my Resolution to Fight against the thoughts of mistrust and doubt that consumed my mind; and really look toward a new day, a new year for me. Things at home were becoming somewhat challenging because there was talk of when our lease was up what were we going to do? I loved that house we lived in for the last year. I learned a lot about myself there, until the day all that comfort was taken away from me.

 I will never forget that day. I was sitting at my office and I got a phone call from my neighbors who happened to be home that afternoon. They told me "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your house was broke into, and they stole a lot of stuff. We saw the kids running down the ally with a TV and called the cops."  I immediately went into panic mode, emotions ran over me. I had so many questions, were my dogs ok? Was Chris home? How did they get in? Etc.... It was emotions that I had never felt before, feelings that I never knew existed.

 I was angry, re-leaved, yet scared all at once. When I finally got home the cops were parked outside my house. They said that they had caught the kids.  As I walked up the stoop my sister said "I don't think you are prepared for this" and she was right I wasn't. Tears began to fill my eyes as I walked through the door into my empty cold living room. The further back I walked the colder it got. My poor babies were still in their kennel staring at a gaping hole in our back window, that a huge rock had shattered a few hours before. They were shivering and scared, but I was so happy that they were unharmed. Trae came to our rescue that night and helped board up the window to keep the heat in as the snow began to fall. Once he left, I was so overwhelmed. I started looking for a new place to move to. I didn't want to be there anymore. I was a little angry with Trae for not staying with me that night, but he ensured that we would be Ok. 

It was just my lack of feeling the security of my home that I wanted him there, better yet needed him there.  Everything I had worked so hard for in the last year was taken from me. My sense of security, and my privacy violated. But I couldn't leave my sister there all alone. Chris didn't even stick around long enough to help clean up the glass, that disappointed me to somewhat degree. We cuddled up in my bed that night and attempted to go to sleep. It was a long night. I finally managed to fall asleep around 3am.  In the mix of all things like this going on, two days later I was to be throwing a bachelorette party for Tamara. Things got all messed up after the break-in but we still managed to have a great night.She was so suprised that we pulled it together lastminute with the changes that happened. All the girls pitched in for a limo that night for her.  I was so happy that she wanted me to be a part of her special day.  It meant the world to me. I had moved on to happy thoughts a few days after the break-in and I began looking towards moving into a new home and prepping for Chris and Tamara's wedding day, all the while really thinking about Trae. 

Being involved with the wedding those next couple weeks had my mind racing. I was trying to suppress the wedding bug. I looked at him in a way I could never imagine looking at anyone else. In those moments lost in my thoughts I would turn on Adele's CD 21 and listen to track 9 "one and only" I felt the words to this song almost to the point of bringing tears to my eyes thinking about him and wondering how he felt everyday, wondering if he could forget the past and look forward. It was something I could only hope for. It was what I was trying to do. But he seemed so far away. I could tell he began to withdrawal feelings and time from me, but I didn't know why. He told me things were fine and not to worry. So I did just that. Then it was wedding day. Julie came over that morning to do my hair, and we were supposed to be at the church hours before the ceremony. Carly and I helped line the isle with decorations while we waited for the guests to arrive.

 Since I was part of the wedding Trae came with my sister. He told me he didn't feel so well when I greeted him on the sidewalk. I felt bad, and a little selfish for wanting him there with me. The ceremony was held at Scarritt Bennett Center one of my favorite wedding venues in Nashville because of the history and elegance of the Wightman Chapel. For the longest time I had dreamed of Trae standing at the end of the isle here as I walked my last single steps in life. It was simply a beautiful place, a place for hope, a place I could still dream of that day possibly happening. That day was filled with so much love, happiness, joy and excitement for Chris and Tamara. To See Chris so Happy as he watched his beautiful bride walk towards him brought joy to my heart. 

It was something that he truly deserved and that happiness was what she provided him. The love, strength and loyalty that only one other person in this world could give you, was who she was to him. After the ceremony we all headed over to Sambuca to celebrate with family and friends. Trae ended up leaving early because he didn't feel well, but I at least got a dance out of him. I was a little frustrated that he was leaving me there alone. I knew he didn't feel well, but I didn't want to leave my friends just yet. I felt obligated to be there. I was being selfish and I knew I was, but this was a once in a lifetime evening for one of my dearest and oldest friends. I only wish he would have stuck it out a little longer that night. Then maybe things would have been different the next few days. But instead they took a turn south. 

.:XOXO TMARIE:.