.:One and Only:.

The Change I had hoped for, I soon would find out was not the one that I got this January. As we started the new year fresh, we still brought things from before along through the mud. After New Years, I made it my Resolution to Fight against the thoughts of mistrust and doubt that consumed my mind; and really look toward a new day, a new year for me. Things at home were becoming somewhat challenging because there was talk of when our lease was up what were we going to do? I loved that house we lived in for the last year. I learned a lot about myself there, until the day all that comfort was taken away from me.

 I will never forget that day. I was sitting at my office and I got a phone call from my neighbors who happened to be home that afternoon. They told me "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your house was broke into, and they stole a lot of stuff. We saw the kids running down the ally with a TV and called the cops."  I immediately went into panic mode, emotions ran over me. I had so many questions, were my dogs ok? Was Chris home? How did they get in? Etc.... It was emotions that I had never felt before, feelings that I never knew existed.

 I was angry, re-leaved, yet scared all at once. When I finally got home the cops were parked outside my house. They said that they had caught the kids.  As I walked up the stoop my sister said "I don't think you are prepared for this" and she was right I wasn't. Tears began to fill my eyes as I walked through the door into my empty cold living room. The further back I walked the colder it got. My poor babies were still in their kennel staring at a gaping hole in our back window, that a huge rock had shattered a few hours before. They were shivering and scared, but I was so happy that they were unharmed. Trae came to our rescue that night and helped board up the window to keep the heat in as the snow began to fall. Once he left, I was so overwhelmed. I started looking for a new place to move to. I didn't want to be there anymore. I was a little angry with Trae for not staying with me that night, but he ensured that we would be Ok. 

It was just my lack of feeling the security of my home that I wanted him there, better yet needed him there.  Everything I had worked so hard for in the last year was taken from me. My sense of security, and my privacy violated. But I couldn't leave my sister there all alone. Chris didn't even stick around long enough to help clean up the glass, that disappointed me to somewhat degree. We cuddled up in my bed that night and attempted to go to sleep. It was a long night. I finally managed to fall asleep around 3am.  In the mix of all things like this going on, two days later I was to be throwing a bachelorette party for Tamara. Things got all messed up after the break-in but we still managed to have a great night.She was so suprised that we pulled it together lastminute with the changes that happened. All the girls pitched in for a limo that night for her.  I was so happy that she wanted me to be a part of her special day.  It meant the world to me. I had moved on to happy thoughts a few days after the break-in and I began looking towards moving into a new home and prepping for Chris and Tamara's wedding day, all the while really thinking about Trae. 

Being involved with the wedding those next couple weeks had my mind racing. I was trying to suppress the wedding bug. I looked at him in a way I could never imagine looking at anyone else. In those moments lost in my thoughts I would turn on Adele's CD 21 and listen to track 9 "one and only" I felt the words to this song almost to the point of bringing tears to my eyes thinking about him and wondering how he felt everyday, wondering if he could forget the past and look forward. It was something I could only hope for. It was what I was trying to do. But he seemed so far away. I could tell he began to withdrawal feelings and time from me, but I didn't know why. He told me things were fine and not to worry. So I did just that. Then it was wedding day. Julie came over that morning to do my hair, and we were supposed to be at the church hours before the ceremony. Carly and I helped line the isle with decorations while we waited for the guests to arrive.

 Since I was part of the wedding Trae came with my sister. He told me he didn't feel so well when I greeted him on the sidewalk. I felt bad, and a little selfish for wanting him there with me. The ceremony was held at Scarritt Bennett Center one of my favorite wedding venues in Nashville because of the history and elegance of the Wightman Chapel. For the longest time I had dreamed of Trae standing at the end of the isle here as I walked my last single steps in life. It was simply a beautiful place, a place for hope, a place I could still dream of that day possibly happening. That day was filled with so much love, happiness, joy and excitement for Chris and Tamara. To See Chris so Happy as he watched his beautiful bride walk towards him brought joy to my heart. 

It was something that he truly deserved and that happiness was what she provided him. The love, strength and loyalty that only one other person in this world could give you, was who she was to him. After the ceremony we all headed over to Sambuca to celebrate with family and friends. Trae ended up leaving early because he didn't feel well, but I at least got a dance out of him. I was a little frustrated that he was leaving me there alone. I knew he didn't feel well, but I didn't want to leave my friends just yet. I felt obligated to be there. I was being selfish and I knew I was, but this was a once in a lifetime evening for one of my dearest and oldest friends. I only wish he would have stuck it out a little longer that night. Then maybe things would have been different the next few days. But instead they took a turn south. 

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

A Rekindled Fall

Oddly enough as the seasons were beginning to change so was I. I felt the nervousness on a night that started out so ordinary with my sister and some glasses of wine, but it turned out not so ordinary for me.  I decided to go see The Cold Stares play in East Nashville in a little place called the 5 Spot. Since I hadn't been to a show in awhile because the last one I was at I ran into Trae. It was a little heartache that I didn't want to feel, so I kindly avoided it. But this night after a few glasses of wine, I said "what the hell, I like their music, I can't keep running from the things I like because of the chance I might see him." This is was I was saying aloud, but my heart was anxiously waiting for him to walk through that door that night. I waited, and waited to lay my eyes upon him, but as song after song played I was slowly feeling the knots begin to turn at the disappointment that I wasn't going to see him that night. So I took a risk, and I texted him the lyrics to song that would always remind him and I of each other. And to my surprise he responded. I was in shock. I hadn't spoke to him in so long, and my stomach turned from knots to butterflies almost instantly. I was so delighted I didn't know what to say back other than "I thought I might see you tonight, but then I was disappointed to not see you at their show." He had told me that he didn't feel well and decided to stay home.
I then felt so daring in the moment and said "well I still would like to see you, if you want to?" I was expecting nothing in return but a NO... but to my relief he said "sure you can come over" My skin flushed the moment I read his text and I was so uncertain of the feelings that would open like a can of worms, but I was so excited, my heart felt like it was beating out of chest. I didn't want to waste another minute sitting there texting, so Britt and I headed straight home for me to get a few things for the next day. As I pulled up to his house for the first time in months, I couldn't help but feel some what saddened that this use to be my home. The rush of excitement and the butterflies took over because I never thought I would be here again. But there I was standing at the door, waiting for him to open it. It was then that awkward moment of uncertainty on how say hello. Do I give him hug? Do I kiss him? That which would have been my natural reaction, but what was I to do?
 Just hours before, the thought never crossed my mind that I would be walking across this threshold tonight staring at the only person that I knew I truly loved. It was an exhilarating embrace that I received from him once we uttered the words "hi" We stayed up and talked for an hour or so. I was so happy to be there, and in that moment of catching up the last few months of our life, I didnt want to go to sleep. I wanted to sit and talk for hours, to hear his voice, his laugh, and to see him smile at me, all the things I had missed for months. He was right though, and I was tired. As we laid down, I felt the warmth of his arms wrap around me like a blanket on cold night and I knew in that moment this was were I was supposed to be. But how do I hold on to this, was this the right time? Had it been long enough to deal with the past, and enlighten the thoughts of our future? Were we ready for this? Why did he agree to see me tonight? All of these thoughts consumed my mind that night and it was so hard to sleep, even in the comfort of his presence, what happens now? Only time would tell, and we took things slowly at first, small dates here and there. I began living in a land of confusion. I enjoyed every moment with him, but with so much doubt and both of us with walls so high it was hard to break down the barriers that kept us apart.
 Music had always been my way releasing feelings when I was alone, I always seemed to find songs that related to how I was feeling in times like these, whether them happy or sad, and during this time Adele's new CD 21 had so many songs that I was relating to. It was Fall my favorite season of the year, and we decided to try some new things. He took me for a day out at Radnor Lake with the dogs, then we did a brunch that afternoon at Loveless Cafe, two things at which we had never done together before. Then another day spent at Arrington Vineyards was sure to set my heart soaring. I didn't care about a thing in the world, I was happy. I had him, and we were on the right path. Leaves began to fall and the weather turned colder. Not only was it Fall, it  was also Football season. I really got into college football this year for the first time.

 One of my best friends, Heather, was good friends with some of the Vanderbilt Football coaches and she has always been a Vandy fan, so it was our weekly girls thing to go the home games that season. We had so much fun, and I was actually converted to a Vanderbilt fan. We even drove down to the Alabama game and stayed with my friend Michelle for the game there. I had never experienced a real SEC game until that one, when I walked into Bryant- Denny Stadium for the first time. The Red and White and the roar of the Roll Tide was overwhelming. Michelle had showed us such and amazing time. I really enjoyed the memories made there that weekend and all the ones made during the season with Heather and my sister. We really bonded, maybe it was the Tomboy in the both of us, but we somehow connected more than we ever had before during those months.
Halloween was soon creeping up on us. I was super excited to carve pumpkins and get dressed up for night out on the town! And that's exactly what we did. Surely enough Trae showed up on my door step as Darius Rucker, LOL his alter Ego and that's why I love him. I was a bit more extravagant with a nice sexy vamp thing going on, we went to Chris Nathan's birthday party for a little while then met up with some other friends that we had planned that night. As things started out good, they ended so poorly. At that point in our life there was so much uncertainty in where we stood with each other. Sure we had love for each other that was undeniable, but we had messed things up so badly before that there were feelings that continued to pull us down.

That night I let those feelings out, because there was no clarity to how things were between us. Were we together? NO, we were just working on things, we hadn't committed ourselves back together. Which is why this Adele song "I'll Be Waiting" hit home so hard to me. I'm sure I sang this song so loud in my car multiple times just like a nerd. But I couldn't help it. It screamed some of the feelings I had been experiencing at that point in time. I was waiting, waiting on him....or was I waiting on myself? I didn't know, everything was so cloudy to me. The only choice I had was to take it one day at a time, and hope for the best. He had my every priority, but I wasn't sure if that was being reciprocated and I would eventually find out. The Holidays were approaching us fast, it was soon time to give thanks for all the things we had in our lives and I was sure I had a lot to be thankful for.
.:XOXO TMARIE:.