.:One and Only:.

The Change I had hoped for, I soon would find out was not the one that I got this January. As we started the new year fresh, we still brought things from before along through the mud. After New Years, I made it my Resolution to Fight against the thoughts of mistrust and doubt that consumed my mind; and really look toward a new day, a new year for me. Things at home were becoming somewhat challenging because there was talk of when our lease was up what were we going to do? I loved that house we lived in for the last year. I learned a lot about myself there, until the day all that comfort was taken away from me.

 I will never forget that day. I was sitting at my office and I got a phone call from my neighbors who happened to be home that afternoon. They told me "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your house was broke into, and they stole a lot of stuff. We saw the kids running down the ally with a TV and called the cops."  I immediately went into panic mode, emotions ran over me. I had so many questions, were my dogs ok? Was Chris home? How did they get in? Etc.... It was emotions that I had never felt before, feelings that I never knew existed.

 I was angry, re-leaved, yet scared all at once. When I finally got home the cops were parked outside my house. They said that they had caught the kids.  As I walked up the stoop my sister said "I don't think you are prepared for this" and she was right I wasn't. Tears began to fill my eyes as I walked through the door into my empty cold living room. The further back I walked the colder it got. My poor babies were still in their kennel staring at a gaping hole in our back window, that a huge rock had shattered a few hours before. They were shivering and scared, but I was so happy that they were unharmed. Trae came to our rescue that night and helped board up the window to keep the heat in as the snow began to fall. Once he left, I was so overwhelmed. I started looking for a new place to move to. I didn't want to be there anymore. I was a little angry with Trae for not staying with me that night, but he ensured that we would be Ok. 

It was just my lack of feeling the security of my home that I wanted him there, better yet needed him there.  Everything I had worked so hard for in the last year was taken from me. My sense of security, and my privacy violated. But I couldn't leave my sister there all alone. Chris didn't even stick around long enough to help clean up the glass, that disappointed me to somewhat degree. We cuddled up in my bed that night and attempted to go to sleep. It was a long night. I finally managed to fall asleep around 3am.  In the mix of all things like this going on, two days later I was to be throwing a bachelorette party for Tamara. Things got all messed up after the break-in but we still managed to have a great night.She was so suprised that we pulled it together lastminute with the changes that happened. All the girls pitched in for a limo that night for her.  I was so happy that she wanted me to be a part of her special day.  It meant the world to me. I had moved on to happy thoughts a few days after the break-in and I began looking towards moving into a new home and prepping for Chris and Tamara's wedding day, all the while really thinking about Trae. 

Being involved with the wedding those next couple weeks had my mind racing. I was trying to suppress the wedding bug. I looked at him in a way I could never imagine looking at anyone else. In those moments lost in my thoughts I would turn on Adele's CD 21 and listen to track 9 "one and only" I felt the words to this song almost to the point of bringing tears to my eyes thinking about him and wondering how he felt everyday, wondering if he could forget the past and look forward. It was something I could only hope for. It was what I was trying to do. But he seemed so far away. I could tell he began to withdrawal feelings and time from me, but I didn't know why. He told me things were fine and not to worry. So I did just that. Then it was wedding day. Julie came over that morning to do my hair, and we were supposed to be at the church hours before the ceremony. Carly and I helped line the isle with decorations while we waited for the guests to arrive.

 Since I was part of the wedding Trae came with my sister. He told me he didn't feel so well when I greeted him on the sidewalk. I felt bad, and a little selfish for wanting him there with me. The ceremony was held at Scarritt Bennett Center one of my favorite wedding venues in Nashville because of the history and elegance of the Wightman Chapel. For the longest time I had dreamed of Trae standing at the end of the isle here as I walked my last single steps in life. It was simply a beautiful place, a place for hope, a place I could still dream of that day possibly happening. That day was filled with so much love, happiness, joy and excitement for Chris and Tamara. To See Chris so Happy as he watched his beautiful bride walk towards him brought joy to my heart. 

It was something that he truly deserved and that happiness was what she provided him. The love, strength and loyalty that only one other person in this world could give you, was who she was to him. After the ceremony we all headed over to Sambuca to celebrate with family and friends. Trae ended up leaving early because he didn't feel well, but I at least got a dance out of him. I was a little frustrated that he was leaving me there alone. I knew he didn't feel well, but I didn't want to leave my friends just yet. I felt obligated to be there. I was being selfish and I knew I was, but this was a once in a lifetime evening for one of my dearest and oldest friends. I only wish he would have stuck it out a little longer that night. Then maybe things would have been different the next few days. But instead they took a turn south. 

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

The Big Easy

We loaded the cooler down with snacks for the road, packed the car, and headed south late on December 29. We drove all through the night. I was the first to drive, so I could take a nap before getting into New Orleans since I have never been there, I wanted to be able to look around instead of focusing on driving.  After driving for a few hours, we made the switch. I fell asleep while it was still a little dark. Trae and my sister had been ranting about this book the Hunger Games. So when I woke he played the audibles book for me to get started on the book. We listened to the book for a few hours, then as we approached the bridge and could see the skyline ahead of New Orleans it was time to navigate to our hotel in the French Quarter. I'm usually designated as the navigator and Trae the driver on our roads trips once we have reached our destinations, since he is the better driver.
The city streets were crazy busy, construction took us a different way than our map but we still arrived at our hotel safely. The Chateau Dupre....we looked right at each other and said, "hmmmm this is it?" It was a small little Inn with painted brick, a small lobby and old corridors. The website describes it as Luxury.  LMAO, I said, "you sure you want to stay here?" We both collectively agreed it was illogical that we would be able to find somewhere else since it was New Years Eve and he wasn't going to be able to get a refund for this room, so we sucked it up and made the best of it. Heck we weren't going to be in the room very long anyways. Now, the street our hotel was on was so small, we literally had to park in the street to check-in. It was the strangest uncomfortable feeling with my new car to do that.

 So we teamed up and he checked in as I unloaded the car quickly on to the rack. Then he went to go find parking. Our Hotel was on the south side of the French Quarter. They didn't have parking so we had to find a lot for my car for the next two days.  When he got back he said it was a fiasco but he found one that looked pretty safe, it was about 3 blocks from our hotel. Once we were checked-in and unloaded everything to the room, we were ready to explore. I couldn't wait! We walked all around the French Quarter that day. It was so blissful. This city became my favorite city in the USA. I loved the culture, I loved the blues, the people, the food, the drinks and just how laid back the city was. We had  a simple dinner that evening on Bourbon Street. Oh it was so delicious! I have much love for Red Beans and Rice, and shrimp, and Trae wanted duck.  When I ordered the shrimp appetizer I had NO idea it was gona come out looking like real shrimp! Heads and all! EWW he had to help me eat them, because I was a little freaked out. We enjoyed the dinner, and watching the people pass by sipping on our BlueMoon. It was perfect.
 Since It was early still, we headed back to change clothes and decided lets do the night on Bourbon, so we were shocked that depending on what time it was we could get 3for1s! Oh my it was crazy but we loved it. I loved him. I loved it being the two of us. I couldn't do this with anyone else. He was my best friend, and all we needed was each other. I was so happy looking into eyes, watching him sing the music that was around us, and dancing free spirited around him. We stayed out late that night and I was so tired. I didn't want to walk all the way back because my feet were hurting LOL, so he grabbed me a bike cabby and we went up to bed. The next morning we slept in pretty long, but still had time to get brunch down near the French Market.

This cool little indoor/outdoor flea market. After walking around all afternoon his Dad sent us on a mission for Beignets and coffee. And we found a cute little place in the Quarter. They were really good, but really tasted like funnels cakes I use to eat as a kid at the fair. Later that afternoon we went up to the room to nap before dinner. It was New Years Eve, the last few hours of a year that I learned so much about myself, my friends, my family, and the love I truly felt for Trae. I was so happy that I was spending those last few memories of that year with him. As we started getting ready I remember thinking how I was so excited to wear my mask, to see the fireworks and to kiss him at midnight, in the streets filled with people from all over the world who came here to celebrate the new year also. The city had shut down Decatur street for the night for pedestrians which was great because that was the street our hotel was on, so we walked down to a little restaurant just within distance of Jackson Square where later we would countdown the seconds to 2012. The line to get in the restaurant was pretty long, but we got there just in time.
 There were about 6 people ahead of us 4 of which just from small talk about my mask we found out were from the Nashville/ Tullahoma area. Once they were seated, the hostess came out to get us and ironcally we were seated right beside them. We decided to push our tables together and embrace that we had made some new friends. One of the things I love about Trae and I is that we just go with flow, we can talk to just about anyone. The 2 couples we met were so cool, we had mutual friends in the Nashville area. After dinner Trae and I headed back to the room for me to get something really quick, and then we ran into them at a little mask shop just a few stores down from dinner. We decided it would be fun to hangout the 6 of us. As we continued our walk to Jackson Square, people on the balconies that lined the street were throwing beads to those walking down below as if it were Mardi Gras. So the girls and I said what the heck if they are just throwing why not go get some. HAHA, we had so many beads after that, I was almost knocked out by some actually. It was pretty hilarious. We had our drinks, cigars, and were taking pictures standing in the middle of the street surrounded by thousands of people until we began to hear the countdown.

 Then it was a slow 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2- HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Followed by the most perfect kiss that blocked out the sounds of horns, people cheering and confetti blowing in the breeze around us, like I was in bubble protected from all things around me. And when I opened my eyes, I came to, I could hear all things around me and looking at him I just smiled and said "I love you." It was a perfect New Years Eve. It definitely was the best one I've ever spent with my best friend and the love of my life. After the countdown we all walked over to Bourbon Street for some music and dancing at our favorite place from those few days "Howl at the Moon" A dueling piano bar til early into the morning hours. Exhausted as we all were, we said our good byes hoping to see each other sometime in Nashville. That ride home was a long one the next day. I was so tired. Trae drove most of the way back until we reached Birmingham for a pit stop. I had pretty much finished the first Hunger Games book as we rolled into Nashville. I didn't want to be home yet. I didn't want the weekend to end. Everything was so perfect, and I was afraid of change now that we were back to reality.
XOXO.:TMARIE:.

Spirit of Christmas

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. -Calvin Coolidge

After having a wonderful Thanksgiving with family it really set the mood for December. I had the Spirit of Christmas burning through me. It was going to be a busy month! I was working so many promos, and having holiday cocktails with friends. I loved every bit of it! I think its because I didn't enjoy those moments as much the year before until it was almost to late. Not this year, I wan't going to let my favorite time of giving pass me by. I couldn't wait to put up our Christmas tree, hang our stockings, and decorate our house with lights outside. I even planned a Christmas party for my girls. Shopping for them, cooking for them, everything was so fun! It was a little difficult picking the date for the party but we all managed to find a night.

The scent of cinnamon apples and the exchange of candles and laughter, filled my living room over wine and hors d'oeuvres. Chris played a private acoustic session for us. We even skyped with Jennifer who wasn't able to be there because she was in Cali. It was a great night. I was so happy how it turned out. That following weekend I went to Indy for Christmas with Rachel since she was in Nashville for Thanksgiving. We open gifts, went out on the town. It was nothing too crazy, just simple time together. On the last day I was there we had tickets to the Titans vs Colts game. It was my first time at Lucas Oil Stadium. I was definitely impressed in the facility. The game was somewhat of a shocker though. It didn't quite turn out how everyone anticipated it to. That season the Titan's were a little rocky, but the Colts oh my, they were terrible, because they lost Peyton Manning to an injury. Something happened in this game though.

The Colts ended up winning their first game all season! That blue and white confetti had waited months to be released from its holding place. Kinda, ironic how that happened. When I made it home, it was only a week and half until Christmas. I had the MillerCoors Mistletoe party with my SPEAKeasy ladies that week. Lina and I entertained ourselves all night in the photo booth. Trae came for the free beer and then we went Honky Tonkin after I was released.  It was such a merry time with my girls. I still had shopping to do for family and Trae. I was starting to stress over his present. I knew he wanted a guitar, but geez they were so expensive. Then one day at work I finally found one online, I was so excited. It was perfect. There were many more celebrations that week. It was Tiffany's birthday, Jennifer and Josh were in town for Christmas, we all got together for drinks and catching up. It truly felt like Christmas. I was so blessed. Trae and I had points that holiday season that we didn't know if we were going to continue working on things.
We both had moments and people that we still connected with, I had thoughts that maybe this wasn't right, that maybe there was someone else that was better for me out there, and I just wasn't giving myself the opportunity to explore those feelings.
 I tried many times before but,  he was always the one person that my feelings stayed constant for. The one my heart raced for. We had decided after everything we were trying to do, that we owed it to ourselves to go somewhere just the two of us for New Years. Years before that we always spent this night in the company of friends. But this was different. After the exchanging of presents and time with the family. A few days later we packed the car and headed to the NOLA! It was going to be my first time there, and I couldn't wait to walk down Bourbon Street!
.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Those to be Thankful For

It was now November the month to give thanks for all the things that you had in your life. I had started working promotions again this month with SPEAKeasy. I was making new friends and growing older friendships that needing a little watering. The new girls I worked with were something of a breath of fresh air. They looked up to me, but I looked up to them for the accomplishments they had in there life as well. Lina for instance, she is the kindest soul I've met in a long time. So naturally beautiful, her personality shines with a sense of innocence to the way people can be in this world and I love that about her. She is always so sweet and never feels a sense of entitlement to anything. She just has this amazing free spirit, and a beautiful daughter as her mini side kick. I am so happy to have them both in my life. Its like having someone always there to remind you that no matter what you have been through, that you can do anything and still be as kind-hearted to the people around you. 

Then there's Tiffany, T-Squared is what we like to call ourselves. LOL its always an on going joke when we worked together when people ask us our names. They never believe us or they blurt out T-Squared! Well anyways, I've known Tiffany for a long time, we had always remained friends, but it wasn't until this recent 2 years that we became closer as friends. We had moved close to each other in Brentwood when I moved out of Trae's. She was there those nights that I just didn't want to go out but needed a friend and a glass of wine to talk. I was happy to have made such a good friend out of an acquaintanceship from previous years. I remember meeting her when she was just in high school, we still look back and laugh about those days and how crazy it was that we ended up where we are today and how our circle of friends connected. It was truly a blessing meeting her.

 I somehow think that we were supposed to be close friends all along, it was just a matter of our paths in life colliding at the right times. Now that they finally had, I know I would always have this beautiful soul to count on. Peyton and I had been friends since high school, we grew so much closer those long summer months. He was always there for me, a place to workout frustrations in the gym, or lay out by the pool where he could scope out the ladies. Either way we were like Bonnie and Clyde that summer. As November rolled around, we celebrated our Thanks with a night of Charity for his organization the Phoenix Club. Rachel came down from Indy for our "Twinky Thanksgiving" we enjoyed the Taste of Nashville event then headed downtown to do a little "honky-tonkin." 

Of all the times she had been here, we never once went down to Broadway. I usually steered clear of that area because of Trae, but now I loved to go because of Trae. He took me a few nights that Fall and I truly enjoyed it. Maybe it was just I was so tired of seeing the same people all the time, but this became fun to me, and working promos down there helped me know what nights to go. I was so thankful to have such strong relationships with these people because, Trae and I were doing alright at this point but it wasn't anywhere near the way I wanted it.

 He was still having doubts about me, and I about him. We were constantly battling the fact of trusting each other. There were so many reasons for us not to trust each other. But to trust in the love we had for each other was something we didn't quite understand, and with all the doubt I was experiencing with him, to have these people there and my SPEAKeasy team of girls, it kept my mind and heart sane. Thanksgiving day I found myself boarding the plane to Pennsylvania for my first Thanksgiving as a complete family. 

There were so many thoughts running through my mind about how this was going to go. We as long as I can remember hadn't been all together in a long time. There were always family matters that prevented us from being together as a family. I honestly wasn't too excited about going. All of the preconceived thoughts that kept us apart for so long scared me a little. But I went for my Dad. It meant the world to him to have all of his girls together and grand-kids. I chose to fly alone to PA to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what could happen while I was there.

 But once I landed in Philly and on my layover I sat with a glass of wine in the airport and realized that everyone was waiting on me. That they were all together, happy in each others company. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all. I picked up a little airplane for Rowan because he was going to be there to greet me at the airport. I was so happy to see Laurie, Brett and Rowan. When we got to Nikki's house everyone was in such bright spirits. We were family, like we had been doing this for years. The food was amazing, the desserts even better. But it was great to see my nephews and sisters. This time that brought us all together was what we needed as a family. We even went black Friday shopping that night around Midnight. LOL Oh the crazies you see during that time was hilarious.

 It was cold, and we didn't want to stand in line so we sat in the car until the doors opened and made a mad dash for the entry way. HAHA, everyone was so pissed off but it was funny to us. The next day we spent taking family portraits, and Nikki and Matt took us to this awesome place to eat dinner called the Bube's Brewery that sat above catacombs in PA. It was such an amazing place. They couldn't have picked anywhere better. Later that night we met up with our cousins at a little bar in town. My parents dropped us off, and as the Brensinger's walked in we all sat and ordered drinks, catching up, singing, and laughing like we did as kids...

then a song starts playing "Forever Young" and as I sat my glass of wine down from taking a sip....I look up and my parents are walking in. It was such an appropriate song for the two of them. When they sat down to join us, they said, we drove around the parking lot and decided we weren't ready to go home. Haha, this is why I love my parents. They are such an inspiration on how a marriage should be. I want that best friend for life and I wanted it with Trae. It was just a matter of time for us to get back on that  level. After the long weekend celebrating, and giving thanks to a family once forgotten, now saved....

 I look back at how things were and so happy that we had this time to reconnect as siblings. These were some of things I found myself being thankful that Thanksgiving.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.